Carson the Menace...

Ok, so most of us are old enough to remember Dennis the Menace...ya know, the cute little blond headed kid that terrorized his neighbor, Mr. Wilson??? I believe the comic originated in the early 50s.

Well, let's fast forward almost 60 yrs......

To give you a bit of background, We bought our house in August of 2004. I was pregnant with Carson and excited about being a first time homeowner. We had lived there about 2 months and had met just about everyone on the street. With the exception of our immediate next door neighbor. He was an older gentleman with a balding head and round belly. Always wore overalls...and NEVER smiled. I joked with Josh that he looked like Mr. Wilson from Dennis the Menace. We laughed and said that maybe the baby (we didn't know at that time that he was a boy) would be like Dennis. "How cute would that be?", we thought. hmmmm

Fast forward.......
April 2006. Carson is now 16 months old and I am pregnant with Cade. We have lived on the street for almost 2 years and still had yet to speak a word to "Mr. Wilson". We called him that because of the resemblance...and because we had no idea what his name actually was. I should also mention that, at this time, we were the very proud owners of 2 VERYhappy,energetic,spastic devil dogs that were constantly getting out of the fence.
One particular night they got into "Mr. Wilson's" yard and "Mr. Wilson" called the law. 2 police officers knocked on our door to inform us that we needed to get our dogs. And we needed to sign the police report. (This is actually a really funny story for another blog.) The officer said "Please, sign here beside Mr. Wilson's statement." (Notice the lack of sarcastic quotation marks.) Those were his EXACT words!!! Our crotchety old neighbor's name was truly MR. WILSON.

Fast forward......
April 2009. Carson is 4 and Cade is 2. We have now lived on the street for almost 5 years and, other than the night with the cops, have had no contact with Mr. Wilson. The boys are playing in the backyard (which is privacy fenced).

Carson come's in:
"Mom, I'm hungry"
"Honey, I'm cooking..it will be a few more minutes"
(whining) "But mom, I'm STARVING"
"Carson, go find a snack"
Carson leaves...content to find his own food.

I go outside to get the boys for dinner, and......they are gone!!! I look all over the backyard and notice a board loose on the fence. Ya know, the fence that I share with Mr. Wilson. I look over into his yard and there, all cute and blonde-headed, are my 2 children. Eating carrots that they had picked fresh, right out of Mr. Wilson's garden!! Now, my first instinct as a mom was, of course, to grab my camera and capture this precious moment, but then the police incident popped into my head. I am yelling at them to come back and they are just staring at me...I am still yelling. I am sure that I should have gone over to get them, but I wasn't risking getting caught in his yard...They weren't taking me down with them. Finally, they come back over, we patch up the fence, they get astern talking to.
Ok, I was laughing way to hard to discipline, but I managed to tell them not to do it again....Carson says, ever so sweetly, "Mommy, I was hungry and you told me to find a snack".....DAMMIT!!!

...To be Continued


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The Hot Wheels Massage

I love my kids. Everyone loves their kids in that, "I gave birth to you, so I have to" kind of way. But If you are a mom, you are straight up LYING if you say there are never days that you don't think, "What the hell was I thinking letting some whiny ass kid take up residence in my, once peaceful, home." Most of my days are spend saying (read: yelling) "Cade, don't hit your brother", "Carson, get that out of your nose.", "Boys, please stop putting your toys in the oven because if I keep almost setting the house on fire they are going to kick us out."

Now, I know I should say (because it's what people want to hear) that I go to bed every night and thank God for my two precious boys. But in my reality (which is ya'll's reality too even if you don't want to say it out loud), there are many nights that I go to bed and pray, "Lord, if those kids wake up before me in the morning and start whining about breakfast before I can even open my damn eyes, I'm going to give them to the hobos down by Baylor." And, because I believe that our God is a God of all realities, every now and then he answers those prayers too.

Case in point: Last night was a rough night. Both of the boys have a croupy cough and didn't sleep well. Therefore, I didn't sleep well. So, imagine my all consuming rage when, at 7:00 this morning both of the boys come into my room saying, "Mom, we're hungry." I say to them, "Guys, just climb up in bed with me and lets hang out for a little bit.". "Can we bring some of our cars?", they ask. "Absolutely, if it will keep me from having to get up, you can bring that whole damn playroom." So they climb up in my bed, one on either side of me, with about 20 hot wheels cars. I am trying hard to stay asleep, laying on my stomach with my face buried in the pillow. I hear Cade say, "Look bubba, Mom has a big butt. It looks like a mountain." What the hell? Is it not enough that I am awake at 7 am fighting back the thoughts of packing your bags and calling an adoption agency, now you have to point out how big my ass is? Really? And then something amazing happened. Something that I can only imagine as divine intervention. They started using my mountain of an ass and my back and legs as a "road" for their cars.

Holy hell, it was better than any massage I have EVER had. They did this for a full 30 min and I was able to fall back asleep!!!! Of course, I was eventually thrown back into reality by Cade punching Carson in the face and both of them screaming in my ear but, thanks to the half hour massage, I was relaxed and was able to resist the urge to throw them out on the street. So, my prayer of thanksgiving this morning was, "Lord, thank you for my precious boys and thank you for giving me an ass that resembles a mountain."

The Toy Eater

I realize that my parenting strategies and those of others usually differ DRASTICALLY. And that I am usually a "trial and error" kind of mom, but HOLY CRAP, I've found something that is working!!!

We were reading stories the other night before bed and Carson had picked out a Shel Silverstein book full of silly poetry. One of the poems was called, "The Toy Eater". It was about a monster that comes out after the kids have gone to sleep and eats all the toys that have been left out on the floor. While I'm reading it, I am thinking to myself, "this might work". So, after the story I attempt to convince my children that the toy eater does, in fact, exist. Cade bought it right away...he jumped down immediately to check for any stray toys. Carson, my more logical child, had some questions.

"Where does the Toy Eater live?" - Outside

"Where outside" - Underground, but he only comes out at night. - I have to be careful here because he will check my story.

"What kinds of toys does he eat?" - All kinds

"How does he chew up my cars?" - With his sharp teeth

(with wide eyes) "Will he eat me? - (oops) No baby he only eats toys- whew, almost went too far.

"What does he eat if I don't leave my toys out?" - Carrots

"We don't have any carrots." - Bread

This goes on for about another 5 min. Meanwhile, Cade has made damn sure there are no toys out and is already back in bed. Cade says, "He's real, bubba...we have to pick up our toys.". Now I'm not sure why a 3 yr olds word is more solid than his mom's, but Carson buys it.

So now, every night before bath, they pick up their toys!!! They are even convinced that I have the toy eater's number and can summon him at any given moment. It's BRILLIANT. It's the year long equivalent to, "I'm calling Santa". We shall see how long it lasts....stay tuned!!