The Hot Wheels Massage

I love my kids. Everyone loves their kids in that, "I gave birth to you, so I have to" kind of way. But If you are a mom, you are straight up LYING if you say there are never days that you don't think, "What the hell was I thinking letting some whiny ass kid take up residence in my, once peaceful, home." Most of my days are spend saying (read: yelling) "Cade, don't hit your brother", "Carson, get that out of your nose.", "Boys, please stop putting your toys in the oven because if I keep almost setting the house on fire they are going to kick us out."

Now, I know I should say (because it's what people want to hear) that I go to bed every night and thank God for my two precious boys. But in my reality (which is ya'll's reality too even if you don't want to say it out loud), there are many nights that I go to bed and pray, "Lord, if those kids wake up before me in the morning and start whining about breakfast before I can even open my damn eyes, I'm going to give them to the hobos down by Baylor." And, because I believe that our God is a God of all realities, every now and then he answers those prayers too.

Case in point: Last night was a rough night. Both of the boys have a croupy cough and didn't sleep well. Therefore, I didn't sleep well. So, imagine my all consuming rage when, at 7:00 this morning both of the boys come into my room saying, "Mom, we're hungry." I say to them, "Guys, just climb up in bed with me and lets hang out for a little bit.". "Can we bring some of our cars?", they ask. "Absolutely, if it will keep me from having to get up, you can bring that whole damn playroom." So they climb up in my bed, one on either side of me, with about 20 hot wheels cars. I am trying hard to stay asleep, laying on my stomach with my face buried in the pillow. I hear Cade say, "Look bubba, Mom has a big butt. It looks like a mountain." What the hell? Is it not enough that I am awake at 7 am fighting back the thoughts of packing your bags and calling an adoption agency, now you have to point out how big my ass is? Really? And then something amazing happened. Something that I can only imagine as divine intervention. They started using my mountain of an ass and my back and legs as a "road" for their cars.

Holy hell, it was better than any massage I have EVER had. They did this for a full 30 min and I was able to fall back asleep!!!! Of course, I was eventually thrown back into reality by Cade punching Carson in the face and both of them screaming in my ear but, thanks to the half hour massage, I was relaxed and was able to resist the urge to throw them out on the street. So, my prayer of thanksgiving this morning was, "Lord, thank you for my precious boys and thank you for giving me an ass that resembles a mountain."